Tuesday Morning Funnies

Captions by Cletis

Whoa Little Feller

Senator Rand Paul's childhood must have been torturous. Imagine the little tyke gleefully running through the hallways of his elementary school when he is stopped by the principal, Mrs. Collier.

    

"Hey, little fellow, slow down there. You know you can't run in the hallway."

Of course, this doesn't play well with Rand's philosophy and he stops running and confronts Mrs. Collier.

"That's ridiculous, Mrs. Collier. You know full well I'm a Libertarian and regulations are strangling this school. I'm a rugged individualist and this document..." (Rand reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a well-worn copy of the U.S. Constitution), "protects my right as an American citizen to run in this hallway if I want to do so. What are you, a socialist or something?"

Of course, it never dawns on Rand that regulations are in place most of the time for very good reason and that actions have consequences. We don't let children run in school hallways because there are other children in those hallways.

This is the same reason we have speed limits on our highways and it is the exact same reason the Environmental Protection Agency has regulations in place to protect the environment of Kentucky from the actions of the coal barons who have but one goal ... to make money.

In 1999, during the Clinton administration, Congress removed a banking regulation know as Glass/Steagall. This Depression Era piece of legislation had, for very good reason, separated commercial banking from investment banking. 

The Act ensured a complete separation between commercial banks, which accept deposits, and investment banks which invest and take risks. The year before the repeal sub prime loans were only 5% of all mortgage lending but by the time the credit crunch hit they were approaching 30%.

Phil Gramm led the effort for years to deregulate the banks and cried constantly that European banks were going to have a great advantage in the market place because they were not smothered by regulations like Glass/Stegall . With Bill Clinton's help, Gramm got it done and the economic result was catastrophic.

In a color-me-naive moment, Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve from 1987/2006, said the actions of Wall Street left him, "in a state of shocked disbelief."

Greenspan’s fealty to his free market beliefs blinded him and, like Little Randy, he forgot something. There are always those who will run in the hallways and to hell with any consequences.

In op/ed piece after op/ed piece, conservatives trot out the same tired free market talking points and, unbelievably, hold Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul up as men who are championing the cause against the evils of Barack Obama and his socialist hordes.

McConnell, who has been our Senator for over 30 years, continually puts all of his energy into making sure his wealthy friends remain wealthy. His deep concern for the people of Kentucky was summed up in this revealing moment from awhile ago.

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

The quality of life for everyday Kentuckians has not improved during McConnell's tenure. Now, we must also deal with the nation's goofiest senator, Rand Paul.

Paul, if you will remember, said no coal miner would work in an unsafe mine and that safety regulations were unnecessary because workers would simply withhold their labor and thus force the coal operator to assure a safe working environment.

As the descendant of coal miners, (many of whom were child laborers) I can assure you that doesn't happen and it will never happen.

In 2010, Paul campaigned on a market driven jobs platform. Thus far he has offered only more of the discredited supply side drivel that has damn near destroyed America's middle class. He bends over backward to protect the interests of corporations and routinely does everything within his power to stymie Obama's efforts to put people back to work.

Anyone with a brain has long ago seen through Rand Paul and his childish ways. Just sayin...

No, Principal Collier, I will not put on my big boy pants and you can't make me...

New Orleans 1987

Her eyes are beautiful and her breasts are starlet good but it is her amazing ass that has me shaking. I’m on my side ... propped up on my left elbow ... watching her move to the bed in the soft light of the late summer evening. She has that look in her eyes and my breath has quickened. I know what she’s capable of and I know my ass is in for it. 

“It’s been over a week,” she whispers crawling into the bed. “Have you missed me?”

Her eyes never leave mine and, somehow, she’s out of her panties before I can reply. It doesn't matter. She knows I've missed her. She always knows.

Her eyes never leave mine as she pushes me onto my back ... puts me where she wants me ... and lowers herself down. 

Then, that ass ... that ass that has toppled civilizations ... starts to move and takes me to another place.

History Does Repeat

The golf links lie so near the mill

       That almost every day

The laboring children can look out

      And see the men at play

                                                Sarah Cleghorn  1915

                                                        

     

In 1832, Elizabeth Gaskell moved to Manchester, England where she spent most of her life. After her only son's death intensified her concern for the poor and created within her a desire to "give utterance to their agony", she wrote Mary Barton which detailed the life and struggles of a working class family during the Industrial Revolution; a time wracked by bitter class struggle, economic depression, and the fight for trade unions.

Sadly, we find ourselves involved in a similar struggle. Workers' rights are being systematically taken away by corporations, political stooges who do their bidding, and gullible sheep who mindlessly bleat out the party line.

Together we can fix this. Visit your public library and check out books on labor history. Read up on  the many positive contributions of  the men and women who have made our lives far better through a unified effort.

Every benefit we have in our working lives has been hard won by union men and women and we need to point that out to everyone we meet. Let's put a stop to the knee jerk reactions far too often associated with anything union.

Spend some time here 

http://www.historyplace.com/unitedstates/childlabor/

Do not miss this song and video ... Hat Tip to my friend from twitter @umvelo

The Seeds of a Southern Statesman by Isaac

“Addison, wake up!” shouted Julia McConnell from the far end of a
hallway outside the boy’s bedroom. “Breakfast will be ready in twenty minutes!”

Mitch McConnell sat up in bed and looked around the dark bedroom. The nine-year-old boy couldn't see much without his glasses, but he could make out the morning sunlight that stabbed through the cotton print curtains beside a window and threw golden slats of light on wall posters of Talleyrand and Boss Tweed.

“Addison!” Julia shouted a second time.

“I’m up, Mother,”  responded Mitch as he hoisted himself out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. He climbed onto a stool, so he could look into the mirror above the bathroom sink, then washed his face and combed his hair before adjusting his owlish horn-rimmed glasses; but his mind was far away, nervously anticipating the election of a class president that he and his fellow fourth-graders would hold later that morning.

Mitch finished dressing and tied his Buster Browns before 
shuffling down the narrow hallway to the kitchen where he sat at a
wooden table and stared at a plateful of hominy grits and grapefruit.

As he gulped down a glass of warm orange juice, his mother sat beside him and read aloud a passage from a morning devotional. “A reading from ‘The Prince,’ by Machiavelli,” she intoned. “Chapter Nine, ‘Men judge more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Everyone sees what you appear to be. Few really know what you are. Hence, a great man cannot be a good man.’”

Mitch usually drew inspiration from these table readings and
listened to them with keen interest, especially when his mother read
from ‘Robert’s Rules of Order.’ But this morning his mind was already counting ballots, and he heard scarcely a word.

Julia noticed her son’s distraction and asked, “Have you fed your
fish this morning?” “Not yet, Mother,” Mitch replied before climbing down from his chair and walking across the linoleum floor to the
refrigerator.

He opened the door and pulled out a cellophane bag with two small goldfish. The fish swam in circles as Mitch carried the bag to his bedroom, where he unsealed the top and poured its contents into
a nine-gallon tank that rested on the back edge of his desk and housed his two piranha. The pair of predators stripped their prey with such rapidity that the water danced with bubbles as tiny bones floated to the surface.

Mitch watched the carnage and wondered to himself if this
was what Alabama politics was like. Julia drove her son to school, where he made a beeline for the classroom and arrived in time to pass out campaign fliers to most of  the other students as they straggled to their desks. For months he had schemed and labored to become class president, an ambition fueled by his many personal limitations.

He was too short to join the baseball team, and his acute myopia prevented him from becoming a patrol boy. His grades were not high enough to impress the teacher, but he had managed to become a lunchroom monitor for two months in a row; and he extorted dimes and quarters from the children who misbehaved in the 
cafeteria, in exchange for a promise not to report them to the
principal.

Mitch turned the modest revenue stream into a campaign fund,
which he desperately needed in order to stand a chance of winning. He wasn't as popular as his opponent, Sally Newman, a charming cheerleader with curly hair, a peach complexion and beguiling freckles, who had a line of boyfriends that stretched around the block.

Mitch didn't have the athletic prowess to win the jock vote, and he lacked the charisma to excite the masses; but, for all his trouble with basic math, he had long since learned how to divide people. He had nothing positive to offer the students, so he craftily tied his opponent to the unpopular president of the United States. “A Vote For Newman Is A Vote For Harry Truman” warned his campaign
banners.

Mitch also sidled up to Minnie Taylor, the class gossip, and
began a whispering campaign against his opponent, alleging that her
father was a socialist and her older sister Martha had been caught
matriculating with thespians at Vassar.

One afternoon Mitch had feigned an ankle injury in order to stay
in the classroom during recess, when he rifled through the teacher’s
desk until he found Sally’s conduct reports for the past two years.
When she was seven, she had been assigned two days’ detention after a teacher caught her trying to remove a copy of ‘Teen Magazine’ from the school library.

Mitch fed this juicy factoid to the other students in time to make a last-minute surge and win the election by two votes. He grinned dutifully as the other children applauded and the teacher handed him the president’s gavel; but his mind was already far away, hatching a plot to have the flagpole in front of the school named after himself.

And thus began the long political career of a cunning child who
aspired not to serve, but to be served.

No Lemmings Please by Galadriel

Let me begin by saying that I believe our president is a brilliant man who generally tries to keep the people’s best interests in mind. Having said that, I am dismayed by some of his recent decisions since being re-elected. 

Sadly, if I say this to some progressives/liberals, they accuse me of not supporting the president and they claim I do not understand negotiation or political strategy, or even how chess is played. It’s bad enough to be attacked by the trolls on the Right, but lately there have been a few on the Left who have become rather troll like themselves. Their love for the man has blinded them and affected their ability to reason. They simply refuse to believe you can question some of the president's policy decisions and still support him.

We all worked hard to get the president elected and then re-elected. But, I really don’t believe this means we give him a blank slate. I think it is our responsibility to question not only the president but any progressive/liberal that does not appear to actually be the voice of the people who elected them.

We need to channel the passion of all citizens into areas where we can be effective to create the change we want to see. Whether it is in gun control, Social Security/Medicare benefits, or even more recently CISPA that has already passed through the House. We need to unite to fight these injustices. Sitting back and deluding ourselves that it’s all strategy is wrong.

Have we forgotten when Bush and company were running amok They governed unchecked by their own constituents who like lemmings followed them off the cliff. When we questioned their actions, we were accused of being unpatriotic at the least. How quickly could you forget, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.” How many were silent for fear of being thought of as un-American?

There is no reason once an election is over to assume elected officials of any political philosophy have actually heard the will of the people. There is no reason to send them to Washington to do a back room deal then allow them to sell it as if it were the best they could get or that it is all some grand strategy.

This is not a time to meekly accept what we’re told and blindly trust without question what is going on around us. The time has come for us to collectively come together and be heard.

BASEBALL’S ALL TIME BEST? Ronn

About thirty years ago, Robert Redford starred in a movie called “The Way We Were”. In it he played a game with his long-time friend where each would challenge the other with a question. Each wanted to know the “best” of a certain category, situation, or personal preference. There was no right or wrong answer, but it was interesting to both to hear the other’s viewpoint. At that time, I tried to solicit a close friend or two in engaging me in this game. Alas, no one seemed as interested in it as I was, so that reduced me to playing the game by myself. And I have been ever since. Over the years I've noticed I wasn't alone in this area as evidenced by the many “lists” books on my shelves and “best and worst” articles on my coffee table.

This all brings me to what some would call the ultimate list – baseball’s all-time best. This list has been topic A around many a pot-bellied stove at the general store and has probably caused more heated barroom discussions than any other list ever. That’s because, like Redford’s game, it has no right or wrong answer. But more than that, baseball is the least evolved of all our major sports. What was played in 1903 is very close to what is played in 2003.

When I first started the list five years ago, I realized that even though I could compare stats to determine who was best on paper, I was leaving out the intangibles of fielding (no gold glove awards given in the early days), leadership, ability to deliver in the clutch, and how he fit with his team mates. This bothered me. How could the list be the “ultimate” in my mind if I couldn't answer these questions? Then it came to me. I would have to interview someone who had seen these players. But who? Some of these players had competed 60, 70, and 80 years ago. The answer came on a Sunday morning while reading the Washington Post. One of my favorite sports writers, Shirley Povich, was writing his guest column that day. “That’s it!” I thought. Here’s my eyewitness. Shirley had been the Post’s sports editor since 1927, after just a few years on the job. Although he was now in his nineties, his mind was still sharp as a tack.

Tracking down Mr. Povich proved easier than I thought; he was in the phone book! I honestly felt that contacting his son, Maury, would be easier. On my very first call, I connected with Shirley and told him of my quest. He said there was no time like the present and we got started. To my surprise, he concurred with all but two of my choices. And even those two weren't clear cut for him (more about that later). I could not have been more elated. Here was the one person in the world that was probably more qualified than anyone to render an opinion on this subject, and he was helping me. No question, Shirley and I were riding the same horse.

With that, we started around the horn, just talking baseball:

1^st base ... Lou Gehrig. Easy pick. Lifetime .340 average, 493 HR, 1990 RBI, 13 seasons of 100 or more RBI’s, 23 grand slams – an all time record . No other first baseman is even close.

2^nd base ... Rogers Hornsby. Lifetime .358. For goodness sakes, the guy averaged over .400 from 1921 to 1925. Hit over .380 8 times. I asked Shirley about his fielding. He said he was only fair, but he still led the NL in double plays in his second year.

3^rd base ... Mike Schmidt. 548 HR, 1595 RBI – more than any other 3B in ML history. Also had 174 stolen bases. Brooks Robinson and Pie Traynor, as good as they were, were not Schmidt’s equal.

SS ... Honus Wagner. Considered by many as the second greatest player ever and by others as the best fielding SS. But his strength lay in his hitting. .327 lifetime, 3418 hits, 1732 RBI while compiling 722 SB (led league 5 times). Led league at least twice in every major hitting category except HR and walks. Had 8 batting crowns. In the original 5 elected to Hall of Fame.

Outfield ... Babe Ruth. Greatest player ever. Not even close. Babe hit his 714 HR in 8,399 at bats. Took Aaron 12,364 to hit his 755. Had 2,211 RBI. Led the league in walks 11 times even though Gehrig batted behind him. Highest career slugging pct. As a pitcher, had 67-34 record – considered by some as the best pitcher of the teens. Was 3-0 in World Series play. I could go on and on, but this case is closed.

Outfield ... Willie Mays. 1903 RBI, 660 HR. That’s enough right there. But he also had a .557 slugging pct along with 338 SB and a .302 lifetime. And when you’re one of the best fielding outfielders ever, you’re a shoo-in.

Outfield ... Ted Williams. My original pick was Ty Cobb, but Shirley convinced me of Williams. .344 lifetime – Cobb .367 (highest ever); 521 HR – Cobb 118; 1839 RBI – Cobb 1961; 24 SB – Cobb 892. But remember, Williams lost 4 years due to WWII during the height of his career. Williams just edges Cobb.

Catcher ... No clear cut pick between Shirley and me. We bandied about  Bench (.267, 389 HR, 1376 RBI), Dickey (.313, 202 HR, 1209 RBI) and Berra (.285 avg, 1430 RBI, 358 HR). Any of the three would be all right. But I think now my pick would be Josh Gibson. No records to rely on, they just weren't kept. Walter Johnson said Gibson was a better catcher that Dickey. Roy Campanella called Gibson  “not only the greatest catcher but the greatest ballplayer I ever saw.” His lifetime average was .354 or .440 depending on your source. Against major league pitching in 16 exhibition games, he hit .424 with five homers. Hit some of the longest homers ever seen. Total homers are believed to be between 800 and 950.

RH Pitcher ... Walter Johnson. Played his career with a perennial loser, the Senators, yet had a .599 winning pct.(416-279). Seven straight years of 25 wins or better. Had an incredible 2.17 ERA along with 110 shutouts, a baseball record. Had he been with the Yankees his entire career, he’d have easily won 500 games. Mathewson (.665, 2.13 ERA, 373-188) or Cy Young (.620, 511-313, 2.63 ERA) are great candidates, but Johnson was better.

LH Pitcher ... Lefty Grove. 300-141. .306 ERA  An unbelievable .680 winning pct – a baseball record. Because of his contract in the International League, he didn't start pitching ML ball until he was 28! It’s hard to leave off Spahn (.590, 363-245, 3.09), but Grove was just better.

Well, that’s enough to stir the waters and cause even more arguments. But that’s what baseball fans have been doing for over a hundred years.

Unmasking The Turtle

It has been difficult choosing the most nauseating statement ever made by Mitch McConnell. There are many to consider. However, I have been diligent and after reading a great deal from our senior senator I have narrowed my selection to two quotes I think are most revealing.

The first is the now infamous comment of October 2010, “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one term president.” … not jobs for Kentuckians, not quality well-funded schools, not clean air and water; just get rid of Obama. No surprise here … just vintage Mitch

The other quote, although less well known, will most likely be my final selection. In March of 2007, McConnell was asked about the war in Iraq. His reply is stunning and reveals a lot about him and a lot more about our society as a whole. He said, “Nobody is happy about losing lives but remember these are not draftees; these are full time professional soldiers.” Let that sink in for a few minutes and consider the implications. See if it evokes a sense of shame. It should but it obviously didn't bother Mitch.

Sadly, the most upsetting thing about each of my finalists is that Mitch said absolutely what he believes. This is odd as McConnell is the acknowledged master of the ancient art of lying by omission. When the subject of ending the windfall era Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans is raised, he frames that as job killing. When the desecration of the Appalachians and consequent poisoning of drinking water throughout Eastern Kentucky is raised, he screams about free markets and job killing regulations. All this while promoting environmentally destructive industry practices and routinely supporting subsidies for well heeled corporate contributors.

When McConnell candidly admitted his primary goal was to make sure Obama was a one term president, he told the absolute truth. The very day Obama was inaugurated Republicans met a few blocks down the street and plotted strategy to ensure his presidency would meet with no success … the country be damned.

McConnell’s “these are full-time professional soldiers” and therefore more readily expendable remark is deeply troubling exactly because he told the absolute truth. The majority of Americans are not directly vested in our current wars because we have allowed politicians like McConnell to establish a professional volunteer army and thus make the death of our soldiers more palatable.

By government decree, our returning dead were not even shown on television. Kentuckians paused respectfully when the news mentioned our fallen heroes, then it was back to, “Madge, bring me a couple more of them corn dogs and a beer. The Cats are on in a few minutes.” After all, the dead are just members of a “professional all volunteer army not draftees.” Certainly, it’s a lot easier to disengage when those of our blood are not on the line.

The all volunteer army was a well crafted plan and we have successfully compartmentalized war. Truthfully, McConnell’s odious 2007 comment accurately reflects how most people have distanced themselves from the pain and suffering endured by a few on behalf of the many. If there had been a military draft in place when Bush misled us into war, far more Americans would have been far more attentive and we would never have invaded Iraq.

You know it and I know it and it's way  past time to do something about it. Bring back the draft and have real shared sacrifice and thus far fewer wars of economic opportunity.

Oh yeah ... elected officials’ kids and grand kids go first.

Holy shit! Is that Ashley Judd...

Try To Love One Another Right Now by Galadriel

In the aftermath of the bombing in Boston yesterday, we saw people helping people. No one stopped to see if the injured were Christian, black, gay, poor, or rich. No thought was given to anything but assisting those in need.

I felt good about that but then I logged onto twitter and saw this tweet by @WBCShirl ... “Pastor Phelps ran the Boston Marathon before you had fag marriage Now, you can clean up body parts God promised to tear you to pieces.”

I was sickened by the awful hatred spewing from this person who was using this tragedy as a platform for her bigotry. I thought of my very good friend Janice (not her real name). I have known her for over twenty years and I have never felt threatened by her. She is my family.

Six years ago Janice met the love of her life and married in a state that recognizes same sex marriage although they now live in a state that does not. I've never seen two people more in love. Their love for each other is obvious and warms those around them. How can that love and devotion be considered a sin? 

Senseless bigotry like that expressed by @WBCShirl does not reflect what’s good in America. Those in Boston who were rushing to help others are the true reflection of America at its best. Triage consisted of those who needed it most not those some how most deserving.

No one stopped to assess the victims' station in life, their sexual preferences. their religious affiliation, or the color of their skin. People just jumped in and helped those who needed it.

While the bombing was horrific, I choose to remember those who acted selflessly not the hate mongers like @WBCShirl ...

Choose The Right Path

People change. Life provides opportunities and we avail ourselves of them.

Do we move to a more spiritual level and make ourselves less the center of the universe? Or, do we start out self absorbed and stay that way?

The *great* men and women of renown may not have always been the ones we read of in the history books. Consider the words of The Great Emancipator a scant seven years before his death...

“I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything.”
by:
Abraham Lincoln
(1809-1865) 16th US President
Source:
Fourth Debate with Stephen A. Douglas at Charleston, Illinois, September 18, 1858
(The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume III, pp. 145-146.)

 

*Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to

the proposition that all men are created equal.*

Principle Matters

 

 

I should not be but I am still continually shocked by those who embrace a particular person to the extent that they abandon their principles.

Most recently, I have lost numerous progressive followers on twitter because I have criticized President Obama’s policies.

Policies like his support for a Chained CPI and the Keystone Pipeline, that would have my fellow progressives looking for their pitchforks if Obama were a Republican.

Sigh … go ahead … color me naive.